This is Finland

by Volker Weber

 

+15°C / 59°F

This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.

People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.

The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

 

+10°C / 50°F

The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.

The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

 

+5°C / 41°F

Italian cars won't start,

The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

 

0°C / 32°F

Distilled water freezes.

The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

 

-5°C / 23°F

People in California almost freeze to death.

The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

 

-10°C / 14°F

The Brits start the heat in their houses.

The Finns start using long sleeves.

 

-20°C / -4°F

The Aussies flee from Mallorca.

The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.

Autumn is here.

 

-30°C / -22°F

People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.

The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

 

-40°C / -40°F

Paris start cracking in the cold.

The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

 

-50°C / -58°F

Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.

The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

 

-60°C / -76°F

Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.

The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

 

-70°C / -94°F

The false Santa moves south.

The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.

The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

 

-183°C / -297.4°F

Microbes in food don't survive.

The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

 

-273°C / -459.4°F

ALL atom-based movent halts.

The Finns start saying "Perkele (=damn), it's cold outside today."

 

-300°C / -508°F

Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.